# Software-Entwicklung

    #include <nonsense.h>
    #include <lies.h>
    #include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
    #include <process.h> /* For the court of law */

    #define say(x) lie(x)
    #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
    #define soon next_year
    #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version

    void main()
    {
      if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
      {
        if (there_are_still_bugs)
          market(bugfix);
        if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
          raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
      }
      while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
      {
        make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
                                                        lie.h */
        if (rumours_grow_wilder)
          make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
        if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
        {
          market_time=ripe;
          say("It will be ready in one month);
          order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
          order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
          order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
          vapourware=TRUE;
          break;
         }
      }
      switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
      {
         case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
           say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
           break;
        case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
           say("Yes it will work");
           ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
           pretend(there_is_no_problem);
           break;
         case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
           say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
               " the 32 bits architecture");
           inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
           inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
                  "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
           inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
           get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
           break;
         case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
           say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
                everyone");
           register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
           when(time_is_ripe)
           {
             arrest(journalist);
             brainwash(journalist);
             when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
             {
               order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
               release (journalist);
             }
           }
           break;
       }
       while (vapourware)
       {
         introduction_date++; /* Delay */
         if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
           break;
         say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
      }
      release(beta_version)
      while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
      {
        bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
        release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
        introduce(more_memory_requirements);
        if (customers_report_installation_problems)
        {
          say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
          if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
          {
            ignore(customer);
            order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
                                                  bastard");
          }
        }
        if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
        {
          divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
          wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
          marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
          devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
          if (boobies_start_to_hang)
            dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
        }
        if (there_is_another_company)
        {
          steal(their_ideas);
          accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
          hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
          wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
          buy_out(other_company);
        }
      }
      /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
         us */
      order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
      buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
      laugh_at(everyone,
    for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
    }

    void bugfix(void)
    {
      charge (a_lot_of_money)
      if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
        say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
      if (still_complaints)
      {
        ignore(customer);
        register(customer, big_Bill_book);
        /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
      }
    }

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